Hiding abuse

Abusive people can hide abusive behaviours within seemingly innocent behaviours. In other words, they can do things that might, to others, not seem like abuse.  Abusers may carry out an action, in a public place, that to everyone else seems innocent but to the victim is a clear message that abuse will start as soon as they are somewhere private.  For example, loudly clearing the throat or repeating a certain word / phrase.  This behaviour is designed to frighten the victim whilst simultaneously hiding the behaviour from everyone else. 

If an abuser purposely lowers their voice to a whisper but continues to say nasty or unpleasant things - this is still an example of abusive behaviour.  Moreover, whispering abusive words is a clear example of abuse because the abuser is in control of their behaviour.  They know exactly what they are doing and their intention is to hurt the victim. Abusers don't have to raise their voice to be abusive.

An abuser may use innocent and seemingly kind words to frighten the victim.  For example, they may grit their teeth, lower their voice but retain a disturbing tone and say things that would appear, to those outside the 'relationship' to be pleasant.   For example they may say something like "yes I really the value the way you cleaned the kitchen and that you put the pans where are supposed to go".  They may say please and thank you.  They may appear polite.  Yet, the victim knows that they didn't put the pans away and the victim picks up on the subtle but disturbing tone of voice. Taken within the context of an abusive relationship, this is in itself an example of abusive behaviour.  Furthermore, it may be an indicator that more turbulent and dangerous abuse will follow later.  Within an abusive 'relationship', a certain look, the raising of an eyebrow or a certain type of smile can be examples of abuse.  The victim understands the coded behaviour and so does the abuser but it is hidden from everyone else.  

It's important for victims to remember that abusive people are not just angry, they are in control of their behaviours.  Although an abuser may become very angry and appear out of control, generally speaking they know exactly what they are doing.  Their intention is to intimidate, control and hurt their victims. 

There is never any excuse for domestic abuse.  It is entirely the responsibility of the abuser.  Victims must escape abusive relationships as safely as possible and must always ensure that children are not at risk.  Call Refuge on 0808 2000 247 or the police on 999 in an emergency.  Ideally, victims should get themselves to a place of safety before calling for help. Even if it's barricading themselves and all the children into a room before calling the police.

Domestic abuse is never acceptable.  Whether it is physical, sexual, emotional, mental, financial or a combination of these - it must NOT be allowed to continue.

Yours,

The Renegade Glitter Fairy